Being a daddy

It's hard to believe how much life has changed in the last eleven days. On Sunday, February 21st, 2010, at 8:31 PM, Brielle Mary was born and became a member of our family and firmly embedded herself in our hearts. I could not believe the wave of emotions that overcame me as I saw her head then the rest of her emerge, no longer protected inside Viv but now part of the big, outside world where it became my job to protect her. Tears started instantly as I saw her and heard her first cry (only her head and one shoulder were showing at the time) and I fell instantly, head over heels, unashamedly and totally in love with the little person we labored so long to have and who we are getting to know.

As much as you read about it and talk to others about it there really is no way to fully prepare for the moment you first see your child or hold her in your arms. Emotions completely overwhelmed me but I was, somehow, still able to function normally. The first two things I remember saying to Viv were, "She's beautiful" and "Still a girl"- the multiple ultrasounds we'd gone through still didn't have her convinced 100%. I think the third thing was something about how she had more hair than me but I could be wrong there. I remember leaning down to give Viv a kiss and realizing that, in that instant, she was no longer just my wife, friend and partner but she was also now a mommy, a name we hadn't been sure we would ever have been able to use.

After getting her lungs suctioned out (freaked me out a little to see how much tubing went into her little lungs) and cleaned up a little I got to hold her for the first time. Tears were streaming down my face by now and I was having trouble talking with how strongly I felt to this wonderful, perfect little girl. In a way it was almost surreal, feeling that weight in my arms and knowing she was finally here and not just a lump in Viv's tummy that would kick, poke, move and do all kinds of amazing things. I surprised myself by not being afraid of breaking this delicate bundle, instead immediately cradling her to me and not wanting to let her go ever. We then turned to Viv and she got to see our daughter for the first time.

This was a magical moment in and of itself. For so many years we had struggled, dreamed, hoped and prayed that we would get here. For so long the smile that I love so much had been missing from her face. The instant Viv saw the beautiful, perfect face of our angel all those years of torment and fear melted away from her and the smile and vitality I missed and loved so much came back at a level I had never before seen. Tears began to stream down her face and started anew with me as Brielle was brought in for her first kiss from her mommy. I sat down beside her, holding our baby, as Viv snuggled as close as she could with her and just poured love out. Our family was finally complete; the three of us were starting on an adventure that will cover the rest of our lives.

Taking Brielle to the nursery was hard; I wanted that first few moments of our being together to last forever. I told Viv and Brielle I don't know how many times that I loved them in that first few moments, then we put her in the bassinet and I proudly wheeled her out of the OR and to the nursery. Even with the mask on the nurses could see that I was smiling, and tears still occasionally were leaking out.

In the nursery things went like a whirlwind. She was weighed and measured and was a healthy 7 pounds 14 ounces and 20 1/2 inches long. Her reflexes were all good and her lungs certainly had no problems at all. Here I felt her amazingly strong grip on my finger for the first time- I know she didn't do it deliberately or even know she had done it but it still felt incredible. Her delicate fingers and toes were and still are a source of wonder at how tiny and perfect they are. I could really only stare in wonder as I drank in and memorized every tiny feature, from her nose to her ears to her tummy to the little dimples in her knees to her dark hair and the swirl on the back of her head to...well, everything really.

Once done in the nursery I wheeled her back to our room and got to sit and really hold her for the first time. Swaddled up like a little burrito, only her head showing, I held her against my chest with her head just below mine and simply sat there in amazement. I gave the top of her head gentle kisses as I really talked to her for the first time, quietly so only she and I could hear. I welcomed her to the world. I told her that mommy and I loved her and how loved and needed and wanted she was. I promised to always love her, to always be there for her, to protect her as I could and to help mommy raise her into the wonderful, loving, caring person we know she'll be. This time was very important and amazing- after all the rushing of the last couple of hours these moments of peace were very much needed and appreciated.

After a period that was far too long and far too short at the same time Viv was wheeled into the room. I brought Brielle over and laid her down beside Viv, giving them their first chance to really snuggle and bond. I couldn't move or look away as they started to form the mother-daughter bond that will last them a lifetime and beyond. Viv couldn't stop looking at her or kissing her, and I couldn't resist leaning over to kiss her too and enjoying that wonderful, precious family moment.

After a short time Viv brought her down to feed and she latched right on, going to town immediately. This was a huge relief, as I knew how much Viv wanted that special attachment that I will never be able to have. What a beautiful sight- the two women I loved most in the world, in such a wonderful pose, doing exactly what came naturally to them both.

Since those first few precious moments it seems like so much has happened. We came home on Wednesday, where the puppies got to meet her. Riley immediately tried to cover her with kisses while Seamus, true to his nature, was a little more reserved but has warmed up to her. We've had our first meal and ventures out of the house, our first doctor's appointment where she had gained back 2.5 ounces of what she lost in the hospital, her first pro photo shoot (a wonderful gift from Viv's brother, sister-in-law and her parents), visits from family and friends and more diaper changes already than I can count. We are learning more about her and she about us every day as we take small steps on this incredible journey. She is sleeping well, 3-4 hours at a stretch, for which we are VERY grateful, and we are getting a routine worked out for sleep. Unfortunately some of this is going to change next week when I go back to work but I have to. I wish I could go back part-time to sort of ease back into things but unfortunately my job doesn't allow for this. I am glad that Viv won't be going back to work until June, it will give the two of them plenty of time to get to know one another and many, many chances for the three of us to do things together as a family.

It's hard to believe our journey to being parents is finally over and the lifetime job of BEING parents has begun. Both of us are totally in love with this little bundle of joy and look forward to what each day brings. The smile is back on Viv's face, and I love watching her as she feeds Brielle, changes her or just watches as she sleeps. Both of us will get up and go watch her as she sleeps, amazed by the number of expressions she will work through in a short time and listening for the wonderful, gentle sounds she makes. The puppies have adjusted well and are very curious about her, coming to see what's going on when she makes noises and wanting to say good morning to her every day.

My hopes for the future are so many for her. Some of my top hopes are that I will be a good father for her, that she will grow into a wonderful, caring, loving person and that she always knows that this is a house filled with love and how much she is appreciated. As we take our first steps on this new path it feels natural- there is nothing at all forced about how much we love her or how she fits into our lives. I hope that I will always be amazed by her and be able to show her how much I love her and how much she means to both of us.